WHEN THE THAIS CAUTION ABOUT SPICY FOODS, THEY’RE NOT F***IN’ AROUND and other first impressions about this country

I had planned to write a quick-hit list of first impressions, which seems mildly after-the-fact after ten days or so within Thailand. Nevertheless, I became somewhat enamored with the format, so below are my thoughts and reactions regarding our immersion into the country and culture.

- Bangkok is cleaner and more orderly than I had thought (which previously was some vague mix of an imagined Mexico City and 12 Monkeys). Very impressed by the modernity and bustle – standing under the newly constructed sky train at night transports me eerily efficiently into a nondescript scene from Bladerunner.

- About the Bangkok mass transit system – the sky train and subway are immaculate. New, efficient, timely, cool to the touch. Clearly they have not had ample time to collect urine and vagrants.

- My first meal here – bacon and egg fried rice, with a side of bacon. Bacon. Fried. Rice.

- Turns out that 7-11’s are the Starbucks of Thailand. Every corner, every street, every city, you could navigate Bangkok without ever being out of sight of a 7-11 – and I could navigate the coming 97 degree temperatures without ever being at a loss for a Slurpee. Remains to be seen whether or not I will decide this is out of the scope of what I hope to glean from Thailand.

- Thailand’s celebrated transsexual/transvestite community is not, so it would appear, so difficult to spot. At least, this goes for those that we have spotted…

- The mosquitoes here are less obtrusive than anticipated. Perhaps this is on account of the perfect climate, regular meals, and general acceptance of their presence. In the US, the sight of a pseudo chicken dance of mosquito-avoidance is commonplace, as is an obsession with stalking each pest that connives its way through any given threshold. Even in Bangkok, mosquitos go unmolested, sitting lined up like satiated, assured Iowans awaiting the next refill at the Ponderosa buffet.

- As individuals accustomed to the sun (Cape Cod, San Diego), we were not overly concerned with the strong sun as we relaxed and took in the sun in Kho Samet, a touristy island not far from Bangkok. As individuals with naturally translucent skin, we were mistaken.

- Driving on the left is exhilarating! Who knows when one might forget? Our moped, our small nod to breaking away from planned boat trips and hostel restaurants, was unmistakably the only such pink panther of 100 cubic centiliter’d fury. Though Lauren was the only person that I could really impress, the color was still a bit of a letdown; we all entertain our Walter Mitty fantasies, after all.

- I aspired, after 54 hours in the country, to eat like the native Thais. After spending 20 baht on my meal, I retired my fried pig-skin skewer to interview my skewer of chicken innards. Upon discovering a sphincter halfway through this endeavor, I declined to complete my “authentic” Thai dinner.

- In spite of this distasteful experience, I am rather overwhelmed by the deliciousness of Thai food. We have made a choice to live very modestly (upon securing jobs and lodging) upon simple rice dishes, and I couldn’t be happier about it. A little properly spiced chicken and a few cashews will go a long way.

- We stumbled upon the game of takrow (sic?) while exploring Kho Samet – this is, simply put, volleyball played with the feet. The ball is small and made of wicker, and the net approximately six feet high. This game is one of the more enchanting spectacles that I have witnessed in some time. Bicycle kicks on almost every possession!

- The people, so far, have been incredibly helpful and of a sweet disposition. In public places, in fact, the hassles of dealing with the aggressive salesmen of other developing countries have occasionally been replaced with the unexpected hassles of coping with overly eager good Samaritans with a marginal grasp of the English language.

- Lauren and I have been playing quite the spirited games of backgammon during our quieter evenings. Spirited mostly on account of my difficulty in accepting losses. Difficult on account of her propensity to roll doubles right at the end.

- The dogs here run the gamut from goofy to ridiculous. Today we played with a dog named Barbeque that seemed more sheep than poodle. Lauren is convinced that we have discovered the epicenter of dropkickers destined to wear sweaters and get their lunch-kibble stolen by bigger dogs.